PA Volume 24: Drizzle's Indie Showcase

November 30, 2015, 7:29 am

≫ Next: The Crazy Ex (Finally) Finds Her Stride

≪ Previous: New Music: Shy Glizzy feat. Zed Zilla - "Walk On Water" (Prod. by ILL Wonka)

...you already know what it is. So, let's screw the formalities. This week, we're looking at indie artists and not biting tongues and whatnot. This is "Drizzle's Indie Showcase." Who gets bumped? Who gets tossed? Did Drizzle ever get any fuck music to showcase? All these questions and more will be answered.

Drizzle: Ok, so there are three types of artists out there. First, we have those few who have talents. Then, we have the pretentious tools with no real talent who think they're better than everyone and more understood than everyone else. These types:

Then, there are those who I find the most-entertaining to watch: the loud motherfuckers. The ones who live and die by by the following:

One of the artists who we'll talk about later on, Steven Lamont, humbly rests in none of these categories.

He's an amalgam of them, some more than others. I would describe him as a guy who says this:

But, let's backtrack a bit. This is that real shit that I'm dropping.

Speed: I wouldn't expect anything but. And, yes, readers, I'm still here after that epic intro.

Drizzle: I'm so sincere, though. Niggas gonna hate me.

Speed: They don't hate us already for being too real? Ah well--

Drizzle: I usually talk subjects. This goaround? We're talking people. Specific people.

Speed: In other news, I'm not really dying anymore, so that's awesome. But, I want to discover the next The Weeknd, the next Krizzle, the next Logic. And, gotdammit, you and I are gonna do it.

Drizzle: This indie music showcase is like Chatroulette. Sometimes, you've gotta get through all the dicks before you find a gem.

Speed: Are these gems gonna involve ass and titties? Because, I mean--

Drizzle: Assholes and pussies--

Speed: Are these assholes of the woman persuasion--

Drizzle: Focus, Speed! Anyway, as I mentioned, anyone who's seen Team America knows of the three-kinds-of-people theory. I subscribe to that theory, especially in this situation. Anyone who knows me, they know I appreciate assholes. I can't stand pussies. And I'm a dick.

Speed: I mean, our series is called "Profound Assholes." So, the appreciation of assholes is apparent--

Drizzle: Yeah, but that's when I give not a single fuck about people's opinions or feelings. I still don't. But, I do care about these artists for some reason.

Speed: Well, that's not surprising. So, are we beginning this now?

Drizzle: Yep. LET'S COMMENCE THE ROCK!!!

Speed: We really need a theme song. Also, potentially recording these in real-time and stuff...

Drizzle: Soon!

Speed: So, who's our first victim--

Drizzle: No victim. But, I think I'll start with Justin Justice (JusXJustice on the Twitter).

To speak about him--and tie into my Team America reference--he's an asshole. Fuck yeah. Couldn't help it. He's not an asshole because he says assholish things. He's not an asshole because he makes shitty music. I actually like his shit and bumped it heavily over the past week or so. He reminds me of a less angry Talib--with that light-ass voice bitches love Drake for, minus the goofball which tends to come with Drake.

Speed: So...what makes him an asshole, then?

Drizzle: It's so damn stupid trying to find this dude's music. It's stupid because it ain't hard...but it's damn inconvenient. Okokok, I THINK dude answered my call to be awesome by following me. Most artists did. But, I ain't get no link, no tag, no nothing.

Speed: Yikes... That's--yeah, that is a bit assholish. Is there more to the asshole or nah?

Drizzle: I mean, ok, so I had to Google and YouTube him. No big deal. But dammit! I'm on yo's Twitter page and links that say they go to different songs? They all go to the same song. Dude's lucky "It Be Okay" is good. I mean, it's pretty durn good. Or else, I'd just be like "fuck it."

Other asshole thing is this: after I'm all running around the interwebs looking for his music, I can't find nowhere to download the shit!

Speed: So, what'd you do? Did you go all "fuck this," copy his links to Anything to MP3 and potentially get a virus all up in your iPhone's asscheeks just for dude's music?

Drizzle: No. I streamed it. Pissed me off, too. My data's at, like, 90% now and I've got like a week left. Asshole. But, he rap good. So, I'll fuck with his cuts when I can download 'em. JusXJustice with "It Be Ok" gets a bump. That's how I'ma do this. You either get a "bump" or get a "toss." Cry later. I bet you some of these unlucky fucks want me to only rate their music with some, like, stars or some shit outta five rating. Maybe, just maybe, even rank 'em.

Speed: But, we don't do that. I don't allow that lazy-ass shit on my site.

Drizzle: Besides, if I do that, how will these artists learn? JusXJustice, I fucks with you. Your sound is...goodly. But, dammit! You gonna learn today how to make your good music more accessible.

JUSXJUSTICE FINAL VERDICT: BUMP

Speed: So...who's next?

Drizzle: Dammit, Speed. Haven't you ever read a PA before?

Speed: (sarcastically) No...I've only wrote within them, proofed them, and posted them for the world to see. I obviously didn't read them--the fuck you think? (Both laugh)

Drizzle: But, I started with the guy who I heard immediately who had the smallest catalog. But, this next nigga? He's got his shit on point. I'm talking about a Vegas dude by the name of Chris Cash (@Cashavelli for the Tweeter folks).

Speed: Before we get into this, Happy--belated--Turkey Day and shit. My oldest kid was running around here like a non-spousally-abusive, non-I'm-gonna-stick-my-foot-in-my-mouth-because-sportball, non-I-needs-a-job-so-I'ma-say-what-I-needs-to-say Ray Rice. I mean, you know, he's small and fast and shit. Not that he's going to grow up and fuck around and do stupid shit.

Drizzle: Yep. Families are real people and family drinking is real drinking.

Speed: True. Still recouping myself, just from the turkey hangover...

Drizzle: Anyway, Chris Cash might be a radio DJ or something or whatever. You know I don't give a fuck about occupations--unless it's scientific.

Speed: Considering all the "English major" jokes I've gotten from the team over the years, I wouldn't expect anything less.

Drizzle: But whatever he does, he has connections. What's really important is this: he's a good dude. You message him and he'll message you back. I like it. But, when it comes to music? He's kind of hit or miss.

Speed: Alright, so I remember that you rocked with the one joint, "Rollin' Thru Vegas" and I've heard a couple other songs he's put out. What about the others? I needs to know, since I need some new music in my PodDroidPhone thingy.

Drizzle: I mean, it's good music. But, it's not always my style and some of it sounds lazy. And it eats the track alive.

Speed: I've got to agree here, to a point--figure I can't let you have all the critiquing fun and shit. When he's on, he's on. When he's not? He commits, to me, one of the biggest sins in music. He becomes lazy and slightly boring. Like I said elsewhere, I'll take shit music over boring music any day of the week. At least shit music is entertaining--at times.

Drizzle: Hol'on. Lemme put it to you this way: the first time I streamed the album, I thought he was an asshole. BUT...there are enough Super Saiyan tracks on here that I bought the album off iTunes.

Yes, you can skip a few tracks. Yes, he uses a Big K.R.I.T. beat--which is, you know, not cool without permission to sell. But, you can roll around the city with it. And for that, he gets a bump.

CHRIS CASH FINAL VERDICT: BUMP

Speed: So...who's next? I mean, you've given two bumps so far. Are you being generous or is everything you've received thus far bump-worthy?

Drizzle: Nope. I went over the guys with the biggest and smallest catalogs. It just so happened that I bumped them both. Now, let me tell you about another.

Speed: Lemme guess--

Drizzle: Now, I'll tell you. Steven Lamont (@StvnLmnt) pushes his music hard--

Speed: How did I know?

Drizzle: Out of all the artists I've heard, he easily has tweeted me the most.

Speed: That much is true. So, for you, is his music worth the push or is he just talking out his ass plugging booty dew--God, I hate myself for saying that. I mean, I've already given my opinions on him--

Drizzle: I didn't read 'em.

Speed: (flustered) You didn't--but, how are we--argh! Shit, I don't even know where I posted 'em.

Anyway, I feel Steven's got potential. He has his moments of just sheer "oh, ok"-ness where I found myself tuning out his bars and more just listening to the beat or his flow. But, for the most part? He's got potential. Has he reached it all the way? No, not at all. For me, he's like Big Sean meets your typical DMV underground artist.

However, he actually has potential. That's in comparison to many other underground DMV artists just sound like they're biting that Slutty Boyz sound, or that Glizzy Gang sound, or they're mimicking artists like Lightshow and Tate Kobang and 'em. Inversely, they're doing the most to sound like Wale. Old Wale. The Wale even Wale doesn't sound like anymore. But, back to Lamont, he's got "it." He just hasn't fully brought "it" out.

Drizzle: That's a lot of...potential. But, I'd agree with that. He does have potential. But, as I listened to his album, I had these feels. I had these feels that his hype to push the album was infinitely times higher than his hype actually MAKING the album.

Speed: Hmm...

Drizzle: The first time I bumped it, it was on a shitty sound system. So...it sounded like a low-production, no-fi hellhole--

Speed: Hey, I resent the clowning of no-fi...sorta. But, continue.

Drizzle: Speed...you know no-fi hurts peoples' ears. You said so yourself!

Speed: Fair enough--

Drizzle: We're getting off-track. So, I gave it another go in the truck. There, the production value goes way up and it sounds like a wannabe Reasonable Doubt.

Speed: But?

Drizzle: But, he's skilled...but he doesn't have Jay's skill. He's got slow bounce but without RD's bounce. It's begging for a listen, but it's got nothing dramatic to pull me in. His story and perspective were, indeed, very interesting. But, there wasn't enough to hold my attention. For me, #stvnlmnt: The Mixtape gets a toss. Now, that's not to say, you know, his next project won't blow my mind. Hell, I'll even patiently wait for the next one. But, not this time, boss. It's ok, though...

STEVEN LAMONT/STVNLMNT FINAL VERDICT: TOSS

Speed: I would still argue "bump," but it's not my showcase and I agree with your points. So, let's get into the next act.

Drizzle: Now, what really disappointed me in this showcase is the general lack of stripper tracks and fuck music.

Speed: Well, lemme take this time to re-up on the Team DAR track "PLW" from last year's Genesis. Fuck it, no one else provided, so I'm gonna provide a bit.

Drizzle: Aside from that, someone provided stripper and fuck music. And it surprised me.

Speed: Is that good or no?

Drizzle: Bryson Tiller hits and I got access to that album.

Speed: Surprised we didn't cover this earlier in PA, but screw it.

Drizzle: Now this album surprised me because, while he's, like, number 13 on iTunes right now--so he isn't exactly underground--most people don't know who he is somehow. Almost no one I know, so I put it on in the truck.

I was happy to hear someone singing since, apparently, The Weeknd is the only one of that ilk who went underground. I was also happy to hear some T R A P S O U L, because...I didn't know it was a thing.

Speed: Yep. It's a thing. A confusing and glorious thing, but a thing nonetheless.

Drizzle: But, it upset me. Why?

Speed: Because you were expecting one song to fuck to?

Drizzle: Because I was expecting at least one song to fuck to. But, non non non...it was trap music...sung. If I wanted to fuck to trap, then I'd fuck to trap.

Speed: Gucci Mane still gets some panties wet for some reason. Must be the bass. So, does this dilute Bryson's bump-a-bility?

Drizzle: Indeed it does. It has bangers. It has trap music. It has pseudo-singing. It's a progressive dumb nigga's dream. And sometimes, as we all know, I can be a quite progressive negus. I'd bump it, but I've gotta be in the right mood.

Speed: I feel like I know where this is going.

Drizzle: If I've got to be in the right mood to hear it, it's a toss, boss.

BRYSON TILLER FINAL VERDICT: TOSS

Speed: I'll give you that. "Don't," however, is still that shit. Even though, I'll be honest, it and "Say It" sound so similar that, if I'm not paying attention, I may confuse the two. That's no "diss" or whatever to Bryson or Tory Lanez. The songs just, to me, sound the same at times.

Drizzle: Anyway, it has its moments. Just not enough. So, he can hate me later. I guess, to be honest, my palate was expanded and I gave more bumps than I thought. However, this wave of indies was kind of disappointing. But, this won't be the last showcase.

Speed: Definitely not.

Drizzle: There you have it. No fucks given. No points held. No "X outta five" fuckery to boost your ego. If it's in my truck, you're up. If not?

↧

The Crazy Ex (Finally) Finds Her Stride

November 30, 2015, 11:19 am

≫ Next: PA Vol. 25: On Erykah Badu and Empire

≪ Previous: PA Volume 24: Drizzle's Indie Showcase

As cliched as it is, good things come to those who wait.

Admittedly, I was a bit ready to throw in the towel when it came to Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. I loved the wackiness of it (its New Girl on crack, pardon the 1990s slang, sense of...everything made for some great moments), Rachel Bloom's comedic timing is pretty top-notch, and the song numbers were twisted--but twistedly funny ("I Love My Daughter [But Not In A Creepy Way]" is one of these, as it tap dances on that fence between Herbert the Pervert uncomfortable chuckles and an SVU case waiting to happen).

But, there seemed to be a lack of direction. Mainly, there was a "so, what's going to happen once they get past the will-they-won't-they of the Greg-Rebecca-Josh, even though it's unknown to Josh love triangle?" vibe that hung over the series. And wackiness usually can't save series which dwell too much on those sorts of things. I mean, look at Stacked. Don't remember it? Exactly. Although, as cheesy as it was, it had its moments. But, I digress.

Thankfully, after binging on the series again and paying attention to the characters' nuances as the series evolved (versus saying "oh holy shit, this can't possibly happen." I mean, it seems that, in West Covina, just about anything's possible), it seems that, per the title of this post, the show has found its stride. It works best as a dark-as-hell dramedy about a young woman's obsession over "the one who got away" and her quest for acceptance from people disguised as, well, New Girl on crack. It works best when it plays with the tropes of the literal manic pixie girl and allows viewers to both cringe and feel sorry for Rebecca's follies while they still laugh at them. And the show works best when it knows what it is and isn't. It isn't a complete happily-ever-after love fest, that's for sure.

Through the writing staff and the talent on the show, we've been presented a group of people who--let's be honest--aren't exactly that group of friends you'd flock to at a party. Some of them are, quite frankly, kind of dicks. Instead of giving us lovable losers who don't know they're losers/still end up being mega-heroes by the end, a la pretty much every Michael Cera role ever, we've been given something different.

We get fleshed-out characters who still have "lovable loser" written all over them--have you seen some of the later song numbers? "I Give Good Parent," anyone?--but know that their situations are a pile of suck. And that acknowledgement of the suckiness of their situation(s), it creates complex characters who have selfish, dick-ish motives while still having moments that showcase their altruism. I'm reminded of the episode where Rebecca freaks out about her party but still manages to help Paula keep her kid in school as an example.

Also, it really does look like the house's gonna be on fire.

However, they don't wallow in either the positives or negatives. Instead, they seem to learn (even if it's not exactly noticeable) from their mistakes and grow from them. But, as with the growth of the show, personal growth is almost never fixed within a forty-two minute timeslot. With that said, as tonight's episode is the mid-season finale, the show's at a slew of crossroads (within the world of the show, mind you). Questions to watch for include:

Will Rebecca continue to seek help for her mental instability--and not just seek quick fixes (in the form of medications and that drug called "infatuation")?
With that said, will we get more Dr. Phil cameos? (Please? His voice-of-reason was the breath of "Girl you crazy. Get help" that many of us, myself included, have probably found ourselves saying to Rebecca over the last few months)
Will Paula completely accept her life needs a complete 180 or will she run into the awaiting arms of Calvin, played by the always-funny Cedric Yarbrough? The closing seconds of last week's episode seemed to allude to Paula cheating on her husband. But, as something of a moral compass for the show, will we see the compass compromised?
Will Josh finally realize that Valencia is a soul-crushing, spirit-mangling maneater, and not the fun, Hall and Oates kind?
Will there be another moment between Greg and Rebecca, where further doubt is cast into the triangle?
Hell, will Rebecca just step back and, along with seeking mental health help, kind of just "do her" for a minute?
Will we see less dance numbers if Rebecca's instability is managed? (Hopefully no, especially since everyone's getting in on the musical fun)
What'll come of Rebecca's mom popping up?

All in all, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend became a series to watch this season for me. Where other shows have lost my interest, CEG grew and grew to the point where it's an underrated gem. So, with it getting a larger episode order, go check it out. Now. It may not be for everyone, but it's still a great show worth a watch.

As a post-script and a disclosure: I'm not being paid by The CW, Rachel Bloom, or anyone affiliated with the series or the network. These are 100% my actual thoughts and have not been altered by anything other than the show's growth.

↧

PA Vol. 25: On Erykah Badu and Empire

December 3, 2015, 8:46 am

≫ Next: PA Vol. 26: You Can (Not) Simply Feed Your Viewers BS

≪ Previous: The Crazy Ex (Finally) Finds Her Stride

NSFW Warning/Disclaimer:

PA (short for "Profound Assholes") is a series on SpeedontheBeat.com where I have a no-punches-pulled conversation with a friend about a hot-button issue (yay cliches!). That friend is usually none other than Drizzle Sez formerly of DrizzleSez.wordpress.com, who co-created the PA format (go check out his site. It's still live and still kicks much ass to this day). Today, we discuss Erykah Badu and Empire.

Drizzle: So, you and I just got some new music from JusXJustice. Now, before we get into today's main topic, this nigga has just elevated himself to SUPER BUMP status. Why? Because he went all nice-guy status with his responses to the review.

Speed: True that. I'm bumping the new tracks he provided. Dopeness. Told us the new album's supposed to drop in a couple weeks. So, readers, expect a review of that when it drops.

Drizzle: Now, it's too bad I'm about to say some asshole shit to contradict all that. I'm here to talk about the pros and cons of the real OG, Triple OG Erykah Badu.

Speed: I assume you watched the Soul Train Awards this week?

Drizzle: Just that. Because the Soul Train Awards have a history of being a shitshow--I mean, Biggie got killed after the '97 joint--

Speed: RIP Big Poppa.

Drizzle: On top of that, there's no more actual Soul Train. Kids don't even know what a "Soul Train Line" is anymore. And, of course, RIP Don Cornelius. The way he went out offended me. But dammit, he made dance craze a thing. So, it's all respect. But back to Erykah--

Speed: Ah hell...

Drizzle: She went straight asshole in dissing Iggy. And, as I said in a tweet, it was as if God sent a sign. But was it a "good" thing?

Speed: Perhaps? Maybe? Eh...I'm not sure--

Drizzle: No. Really consider it.

Speed: Well, it's kind of not really a good thing. For one, Iggy is kind of already a dead horse at this time in terms of getting verbal asswhuppings from "real hip-hop heads" and whatnot.

Drizzle: Right?

Speed: Additionally, Badu straight-up stereotyped rap and hip-hop in her opening monologue. I mean, if no one else is gonna say it--

Drizzle: We'll get to that later. First and foremost, the Badu is mad late on the Iggy train. Azealia Banks got her words in. Snoop got his words in. Nicki got her words in. Hell, WE got our words in. And she's already been dropped by Grand Hustle. Never mind she had a top-grossing, garbage album. What the fuck do you have to do to get dropped by a record label with a top-grossing album?!

Speed: Do we really need to count the ways?

Drizzle: For argument's sake, yes.

Speed: Fine. This, by the way, is a partial list:

the slave master line...
the "Iggy Accent"...
the fact she went after Snoop--even though Snoop started it--and got eviscerated along with Swaggy P...
the fact she got on a song with Ariana Grande and got completely waxed by Cat from VicTORIous...
the various Nicki Minaj subliminals that Nicki completely disregarded their worth...
the fact she had her cooch on full display at a kid's bar mitzvah, pantie-less and all...
the fact she had her original, fake-Britney, Bitch!"-era songs leaked...
the sex tape "rumor"...
the fact that Azealia Banks destroyed her, musically and Twitter-wise...
the fact that Iggy was all but banned from performing in NYC by underground artists who protested her...

Drizzle: You know it's a lot for T.I. to stop clocking her paper.

Speed: Considering most of P$C is still getting money from T.I., even though most of 'em haven't really done much in the way of music since before Lucious Lyon was still DJay? I'd say "yeah..."

Drizzle: Yeah...anyhow, Ms. Badu is late. Mad late. Which, you know, brings to question: how much doe she know about the "biz," in its contemporary form?

Speed: To begin this, I wanna talk about the stereotypes of the hip-hop community she showcased last night.

Drizzle: Ok. Go on.

Speed: Alright. Now, bear with me. I'm about to go ham sandwich a bit.

Drizzle: Go. On.

Speed: So, in "banning" hip-hop from the Soul Train Awards, Badu, first, brought up the trope that, apparently, her sex makes rappers do crazy shit. Ok, that's cool. That's funny. I applauded her and the writers since they poked fun at Badu's, well, Baduizm. Now, next, after the fun's over, she prefaces her "ban" with the obligatory "Ok, now I love hip-hop." That's the first error. Next, she runs down the list of what won't be at the Awards this year--pants sagging, gold grills, Young Thuggin' lyrics, etc.

Now, I took offense to this. Why? Mainly this: in championing so-called "real music," she used tropes of hip-hop usually reserved for out-of-touch white folks who only know about hip-hop because they get BET Jams in their cable package and they want to seem down with "the blacks"and out-of-touch black folks who think hip-hop is Satan's music because it uses the word "fuck" liberally. Essentially, it showed Badu's age, and not in a good way. Now, again, Erykah Badu is a genius. She's a legend. But, even legends can become out-of-touch. Look at The Temptations' use of Auto-Tune back in 2010.

On top of this "ban" of hip-hop, the genre still managed to pop up since some of the nominated artists performed hip-hop songs or had hip-hop influences, like Tyrese, Jeremih, and R. Kelly. So, it kind of felt like a giant "fuck you" to the genre that helped create some of the artists they honored last night. And, while I'm still not sold on Silento as an artist, he won an award, too.

Granted, it was for Best Dance Song, and...yeah, nah, "Watch Me Whip" wasn't the best dance song of the year. It was infectious as hell, but still grating since it was pretty much him shouting out dances for four minutes without any actual lyrics. But, still! He won. And he shouted out the kids who blew him up in a way that reminded me, ever so slightly, of Andre 3000's "The South's Got Something To Say" moment.

The audience looked at this 17-year-old kid, gave him the polite claps, but still managed to turn their noses up at him. I mean, I even heard a smattering of groans when he said "shout out to the kids." Now, is Silento the future of rap music? I'd have to err on the side of "hell, no." But, the nose-turning and all that wasn't necessary.

Drizzle: Tell 'em.

Speed: So, switching gears, now. Empire--

Drizzle: Didn't see the fall finale yet. No spoilers.

Speed: I meant the season in general. It's been pretty polarizing. The fall finale, I'll tell you this much, will probably add to that polarization.

Drizzle: It's been pretty legit.

Speed: I've enjoyed it. Does it hit the same notes as Season One? Ehh...not exactly. That's what makes Season Two a legit product and, sometimes, off-the-wall, batshit crazy.

Drizzle: You forget. I watch Game of Thrones. You know, "here's a new guy. He's awesome. Whoops. He's dead?" The show which seems tethered to the philosophy of:

Speed: I watch GoT, too. So, you know, almost nothing phases me in terms of batshit craziness. I think that some of the folks who are disturbed/put off by Empire's batshit craziness don't really watch GoT.

Drizzle: They basic. Empire moves like real life. People have convictions, they get derided by bullshit emotions, they try to recoup.

Speed: So, again. Batshit crazy at some points, slow at others, and mentally sound and stable at others still--

Drizzle: That's called life. And Empire, like Game of Thrones, isn't out here insulting people's intelligence.

Speed: Now, you'll probably have a retort for this later. And, hopefully, you don't start looking at me all weird and stuff. But, I like to compare Empire at points more to How to Get Away With Murder than Game of Thrones.

Why? Well, instead of the "oh, crap. Let's just kill everyone people love" philosophy GoT seems to utilize to fuck with people's emotions from time to time, the plot twists in both HTGAWM and Empire are nonsensical in some way, but still deeply rooted in reality.

So, Anika seemingly turning into crazy stalker chick post-Hakeem release and whatnot? That makes sense. Just like, in Murder, when Wes, in the fall finale, shoots Annalise in the stomach versus the leg after hearing about everything that went down with Rebecca? That makes sense. There was a:

Lead-up/build up of tension -- Anika thinking that Hakeem was taking her back and Wes seemingly starting to further unravel over Rebecca's disappearance (not to mention the Hapstall case going left about twenty times).
There was a tipping point -- Anika meeting with Rhonda and Rhonda advising her "you need to do whatever you can to get your 'true love' back" and whatnot and the Hapstall case unraveling before the Keating Five's eyes and Annalise losing her mind trying to finagle some sort of last-ditch story together out of Emily Sinclair's dead body, Asher losing his shit, and staging a botched double-murder. And finally?
There was a resolution that, like in real-life, it raised more questions than answers -- Since Anika's craziness hasn't fully manifested, I'll just discuss the Murder resolution. Annalise, after begging the rest of the Keating Five to shoot her in the leg to stage a botched double-murder, turns to Wes, who's gained the nickname "The Puppy" for several reasons. One of those is that he, like a puppy, defends Annalise. Wes, hesitant as all hell, doesn't want to kill anyone else (he already murdered Annalise's husband, Sam, who played a crucial point in Season One, in an effort of self-defense). Annalise hits his trigger--his disappeared girlfriend, Rebecca--by revealing that she's long dead and that Annalise had something to do with it. He snaps and, instead of shooting her in the leg, takes aim at her abdomen. Before snapping out of his murderous trance, he is ready to take the kill shot--a point-blank range shot to the head.

Or, in another instance, removing the Shondaland connections, Andre finding God makes sense. Sometimes, you need some Jesus--or whoever you may pray to--since humanity and its fallacies can't explain everything.

Drizzle: Oh, I'm sorry. You're done? I was busy peeing standing up.

Speed: Ugh. Don't be like that. Murder is actually a pretty well-written show. It doesn't have the blunderous "let's make this 24 in a skirt with an interracial couple, just because it's provacative and progressive" angle that Scandal has at times--apologies for possible sexism and/or racism, but the Fitz/Olivia romance should've died a season or two ago. Nor does it have the "is it dead?" feeling that Grey's Anatomy has had over the past couple seasons. Is it perfect? No, hells no. But, it's still well-written.

Drizzle: Ok. So, as a man, the only thing I'm watching on Thursdays is FOOTBALL!

Speed: (slightly exasperated sigh) Fine. I tend to only watch the sportball on Thursdays if I've got money on 'em, to be honest. And that's usually only for Ravens games. Add in the fact that, for me, many of this seasons TNF games have been kind of "meh," you can see why I've been more Team TGIT. Plus, you know, womenfolk. They love them some Olivia Pope. And I love me some womenfolk.

Anyways...back to Empire.

Drizzle: Alright.

Speed: Now, I'm about to go full rant mode, so standby.

This season has fans and critics divided into two camps. One, including people like you and I, see the ridiculousness as a reflection of real human interaction and situations. It's not perfect or always tied up in a nice little bow for people to scarf down. The second camp has folks saying "oh, this is stupid. Why is anything and everything happening in this show?"

Now, Season Two of Empire hasn't been perfect by any means. Pacing issues have been plentiful and some of the dialogue has sounded overly stilted and unrealistic. But, that's life and this is a FOX show versus something on HBO or Starz. Hokeyness in the script will make it in because of legit constraints--seriously, don't you think that Lee Daniels and company want Cookie to call someone something other than a "bitch" at times? But, the show still works around the constraints of being a network television show about hip-hop and family and still delivers a pretty compelling, entertaining series.

People, for whatever reason, like to draw comparisons between Empire and Glee.

I guess it's because they're both FOX-grown musical dramas. But, no. Fuck that. Glee was horrible, story-wise, for most of its run. Yes, you can say Glee "paved the way" for Empire, but that doesn't automatically absolve Glee for its sins. The writing usually consisted of zinger after zinger and the plot was either loosely or hamfistedly tied together through the musical numbers. Empire, at least, tries to tell a story that isn't just "oh, hey guys! Sue Sylvester hates the Glee Club because many reasons. Let's see how she'll try to fuck up their days this year only to ultimately admit that 'hey, that band of progressive Glee geeks are alright.'"

Finally, to speak on another "critique," let's talk how Jamal is portrayed as a musical wunderkind.

Uh...why the fuck shouldn't he/can't he be? He's got a story to tell and it's a story that's pretty involved. If I was a young, black, LBGT male who:

had a drug-dealing father...
had that same drug-dealing father throw out in the trash for trying to figure out who I was...
had a mother get locked up for most of my life...
had to constantly battle my brothers for my father's attention, only for him to still just think of me as a "sissy"...
had my boyfriend cheat on me...
and so on?

You can bet your ass that I'd write my ass off. You can bet the bank that I'd push harder and try to tell my story. I'd try everything to persevere in spite of the bullshit, even if it, at times, simply meant me saying, through music, "hey dad. You fucked up. I'm more than a gay stereotype. I'm a human, goddammit."

And, for real? That's not even his only motivation in the show. That's probably seventh on the list most episodes. Some people, like in real life, are just musically talented. Some, like Hakeem, produce "Drip Drop" and coast on name recognition.

Now, can the scripted circle jerk over Jamal's talents be outlandish and over-the-top? Yeah. But, let's look at some of the most popular artists of the past--and even today! There have been people championing them as the greatest thing since sliced bread off the strength of one song! Now, I love Michael Jackson. But, if I heard the song "Thriller" and only "Thriller," I wouldn't think he was a musical genius. I'd think he had some sick dance moves and was capable of making Halloween sound gangsta--and not in the "Mind Playin' Tricks on Me" sort of way, either. But, there are people who championed MJ off of only "Thriller." So, yeah. That's realism for that ass.

In short, I hate to sound like a fanboy of the series. I see its flaws like anyone. However, to just say "oh, this is unrealistic eye candy with a pro-Black agenda" and that's it? Get all the way the fuck outta here. Hell, I'd love for more shows to be pro-Black in the way that Empire has been. The BLM stuff has been, for the most part, gracefully and well-written into the show; it's not just there to say "yo viewers. We know Black Lives Matter, so we're gonna throw a reference to the movement in to show how 'down with tha brothaz' we are."

↧

PA Vol. 26: You Can (Not) Simply Feed Your Viewers BS

December 7, 2015, 7:19 am

≫ Next: Family Feud: The Cosby Show versus The Fresh Prince

≪ Previous: PA Vol. 25: On Erykah Badu and Empire

NSFW Warning/Disclaimer:

Speed: So, who wins in a blood feud: One Punch Man or Super Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann?

Drizzle: Too soon.

Speed: The interwebs doesn't think so.

And, yeah, I'm aware the GL I just showed isn't actually STTGL. But, I'd rather go off concrete evidence before I start the circlejerk opinions. There's still too much to be explored within One Punch Man that hasn't yet, so the data's inconclusive. So, with that said...let's break out the brain bleach.

Eva-1 versus STTGL?

Drizzle: Eva was...bullshit.

Speed: Well, Eva-1 could also, when merged with all the Reis and whatnot, bring forth the destruction, resurrection, and instrumentation of life as we know it. I would've gone Gunbuster versus TTGL. But, that's...boring.

Drizzle: No. You're misunderstanding me. Eva, the show, was straight bullshit.

Speed: Ah, ok. Well, I'm ready for this one. We've danced around it every now and again. So, why was Neon Genesis Evangelion bullshit?

Drizzle: Well, this is a business about motherfucking money. And Eva made motherfuckin' money. After it blew all its--wait for it--

Speed: Is this gonna be a Shinji masturbation joke?

Drizzle: No. Eva made motherfucking money after it blew all its...

Speed: It made money pretty much to offset its original financial failures. This is true.

Drizzle: The last three episodes were absolute mindfucks. Do you know why?

Speed: Because Anno and Gainax blew all their motherfucking money?

Drizzle: Indeed. So, they lose all their money on their big finale that was supposed to explain everything and bring it all together in spectacular, giant robot action fashion. Instead...it spoonfed you bullshit. And not only bullshit. Incomprehensive bullshit.

Speed: So, back to our original question. Eva loses to TTGL because Shinji and company lose their funding before the final battle finishes, thus rendering Eva as a stick figure robot? Ok, now...continue with the mindfucking, brain bleach-requiring Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Drizzle: The masses ate it up, feeling like hipsters, because they derived some bullshit meaning from the bullshit that was so bullshit that the creators redid the damn ending--

Speed: At least twice. Now, the movies don't really make up for the giant robot action, by the way, in the way it should've been made up. End of Evangelion just ends with everyone blowing up to bloody puddles and Rebuild of Evangelion still hasn't finished--going on nine years since that series started. Hell, Eureka 7 does Eva better than Eva does. There, I said it. Again.

Drizzle: They should be ashamed.

Speed: Now, I still love Eva. But, I know it's not the god series people make it out to be. It's highly, highly flawed and the ending(s) are all horrible and end up coming off as giant "fuck yous" to either the financiers or the fans. Either way, that's bullshit. Sue me.

Drizzle: And this is terrible because it's what, from experiences and research and shit, upper echelon Japanese people do. They test your intelligence by shoveling you bullshit and seeing how much of it you eat.

Speed: Well, let's look at all the fake deep anime that's come out over the years.

Drizzle: Have you ever read The Man in the High Castle? Not the show. The show's great and people should watch that on Amazon Prime--shameless plug--but I'm talking the book.

Speed: I haven't in its entirety, sorry to say. But, I have an inkling as to where you're going with this.

Drizzle: Chapter eleven has a deep moment where an American guy realizes that the Japanese guy has turbo mindfucked him. No condom, no lube.

Speed: Called it. But, that's what Eva was and continues to be in so many ways. Yet, many don't accept--or realize, rather--that they're being mindfucked. Instead, they go and say they're "smart" for drawing meaning from Eva that even Anno himself said wasn't there and watching Eva over, say, DBZ during their upbringing.

Drizzle: Now, back to High Castle. The white American was mindfucked into saying white people can't do shit 'cept make garbage and when the white guy realizes it, he demands an apology. Us glorifying NGE is us admitting we suck and not demanding an apology. And, I'm not even talking the whole "anime is usually better than American cartoons" issue we discussed a while back. Be ashamed.

Speed: As I said, E7 does Eva better. It deals with the emotions, religious overtones, racism, classism, philosophical ramblings, environmental issues and more and still had giant fuckin' robot battles at the end instead of trying to make people draw meaning out of bullshit psychobabble that is more there to confuse people and, ever so slightly, make reference to, like, Sartre instead of finishing the fucking series.

Drizzle: I never finished Eureka 7. Do you know why?

Speed: No. Why?

Drizzle: I wasn't entertained.

Speed: Fair assessment. It does have several "ummm...okay then. That just happened with no real consequence" moments. Still better than Eva and the E7 sequel series, Astral Ocean, which was just Eva with a bigger budget and more blue-haired sea aliens. No, no, no. Let's be serious with ourselves for a second, E7 fans. The Coralians are pretty much mutant coral reefs.

But, back to AO. Fuck that show. It gives a perfectly fine show the "let's make shit fake deep to make people think they're getting more out of it than what we're really putting into it" treatment. It's even got the "teenagers in skin-tight plug suits because reasons!" fan service, an adult who's kid is a pilot in his squad, alternate timelines because who-the-fuck-really-knows, non-human humanoids created out of, pretty much, thin fucking air and more.

No. Dai Sato himself could say to me "Speed, you should like this show" and I'd still say "fuck outta here."

Drizzle: Well, somebody's getting his rant chair back out again. But, to reel you back in, E7 didn't entertain me. Just like with the Indie Showcase, I maintain likability by my entertainment, not experience. I've got life for experience. I don't give a fuck about art just for art's sake. That's not to say E7 didn't entertain you--which, judging from your rant, it did--or anyone else. It just wasn't worth over twenty hours of my life.

Speed: And I respect that fully. So...back to Eva?

Drizzle: Eva wasn't entertainment nor art. It was a bunch of dudes--

Speed: From a pretty well-respected company--

Drizzle: Who realized they blew their budget and then fed people bullshit, knowing the masses would eat it up and pretend to be better for eating a bucket of bullshit.

Speed: Ok, ok, ok. But, what if we take EoE as full, 100% canon? Like, we disregard the episodes after Kaworu died and pick up right as Shinji is jerking off over Asuka? We go through EoE and end the series, officially, with "kimochi warui," disregarding the Rebuild films as well.

(Speed pauses)

Nope. It's still ripe with bullshit. Iconic bullshit. Pretty bullshit. But, it's still bullshit at the end of the day. And I say that as a guy who "used to sympathize with the Shinji Ikaris." I say that as a guy who has an Eva tee in the style of the OBEY posters.

Drizzle: I'm just saying.

Speed: Anno knows, I feel, to some extent. I mean, I don't see him retelling the series in all these different ways if he didn't know he fucked up along the way somewhere.

Drizzle: (sing-songy) Bullshit.

Speed: Shrug it. The Eva designs, at least, looked cool. But, even I, a guy who, at one point, blatantly championed the series, finally realized it was on some sheer fucking bullshit.

Drizzle: NGE did what British people call "pissing on me and telling me it's raining." Enjoy your "iconic art," ya dumbasses.

Speed: A Cruel Angel's Thesis is this: People will wait for two decades to see the end of a series which should've ended the right way almost twenty years ago. But, it didn't because Anno and 'em blew their motherfucking money. So, again, uber fans who are usually elitists will come back to the series again and again.

NGE made and makes money because people see the blown money of the original series (and its finale) as some sort of existentialist thought process, even though Anno himself said much of the imagery and meaning of the series is more fan-fiction than anything. Hell, Asuka's final line in EoE, for some, had some sort of pregnancy overtones with it. Now, thankfully NGE did make a ton of money. If it didn't, we never would've gotten Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, Panty and Stocking--hell, even Kill la Kill. But, at the end of the day, Anno and 'em fucked up with Eva.

...come at me, bros.

Drizzle: Sir, allow me. Ahem. If you think Eva is legitimately good as it stands, you're hipster trash.

Speed: So, finally, let's get back to the death battle, since that's what started this one. Who wins in a fight: Eva-1 in its "I'm going to turn the world into blood pudding" stage or STTGL?

Drizzle: So, we're going bullshit versus entertainment. Muddled "advanced" thinking versus the most awesome story I've ever heard in my entire life.

Speed: Row row?

Drizzle: Fight the powah. Now, compare that to Eva...

Speed: Yeah...

So, in closing, I also took a look at the "mature"Gundam series that just came out. Iron-Blooded Orphans.

The one that's getting a lot of buzz because of its explanation of pilots, guerilla warfare utilization, child soldiers and shit. It's pretty. It has potential. But, overall thus far? I can sum it up in four words. Those words are "meh. BUY THA TOYZ!"

Drizzle: What'd I tell you?

↧

Family Feud: The Cosby Show versus The Fresh Prince

December 8, 2015, 8:48 am

≫ Next: WIRTB Review: That's So Raven

≪ Previous: PA Vol. 26: You Can (Not) Simply Feed Your Viewers BS

I was born in 1988. What that means is that I was born and grew up in a perfect storm, so to speak, of families on television. This is especially true for Black families. From the Huxtables to the Williams (Wayans), from the Winslows to the Campbell/Landry household, I'd like to believe that, even in the incredible hokey moments that encompassed '80s and '90s sitcoms, I was influenced in a good way by the togetherness displayed by these families.

But, let's be honest with ourselves. The Huxtables were corny as hell. And no, this isn't a discussion on their "whiteness" or "whitewashing" of reality, because that's too easy (Fresh Prince wins because it talked about racism as a real thing versus something we fought over and won after MLK was killed). What I want to do is a comparison: look at the Huxtable Family while comparing them to one of the other classic television families of this era, the Banks Family of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, to see which family really wins out as the quintessential "black sitcom family of the 80s/90s," since both of these shows are also classics.

Now, let's start with the patriarchs of the respective families, Cliff Huxtable and Philip Banks.

While Cliff Huxtable, played by Bill Cosby, loved his children and his family, he often showed this through jokes, gags, and things that weren't all that practical. Additionally, Cliff was kind of mean-spirited towards people he deemed lower than his social standard. For instance, let's look at Cockroach, Theo's "dumb friend," played by Carl Anthony Payne (every 80s/90s sitcom had to have one, usually assigned to the middle child). Cliff often seemed to wonder whether or not Theo's friends were just ne'er-do-wells, fun to goof on, or just plain stupid. Cliff's job was pretty top-notch in the sense that he was a doctor. But, unlike our next dad, we began to forget he did work outside being, well, Bill Cosby.

Philip Banks, played by the late James Avery, never forgot where he came from and often showed concern for his old stomping grounds in a way that wasn't pandering. Furthermore, he took in Will Smith and helped develop him into an upstanding young man. This was in addition to helping Will's "dumb friend" Jazz keep his head on straight--even after the many failed attempts by Jazz to get at Hilary. Also, Banks' job was still showcased as a thing. Said thing almost broke up his marriage to Vivian (II), but they were able to talk things out, reconcile, and set up for the final episodes.

Point goes to The Banks Family. Philip was a better dad and a better worker. Additionally, he seemed more realistic, even having disagreements with his wife over what was really best for them financially (even though they were pretty well-off). Next up, let's get into the mothers.

Artwork by Ron Ackins.

With regards to the mothers, I've got to give it to Phylicia Rashad's Clair of The Cosby Show. This is the easiest decision of While Vivian I, played by the amazing Janet Hubert, was smart, classy, beautiful, intelligent and more, Vivian II was kind of just a pretty face who looked more like Karyn Parsons. Oh, and to set up the cliched "you look different now" joke to which Will Smith gave a legit "whoops, sorry guys. I kind of effed up" look to the camera.

No, seriously. Vivian I was able to go toe-to-toe with everyone presented to her, plus, she was more of a realistic parent to her kids. For the most part, all Vivian II seemed to do was say "Philip...," give a sassy black woman look, and saunter off for the rest of the episode. I remember more about Vivian I as a character than I do about Vivian II. I really wish that Will Smith and Janet Hubert could've gotten along better. C'est la vie, I guess. But, because of the "Two Vivians" rule, I've got to go with the one Clair.

When it comes to oldest children, I've got to go with Karyn Parson's Hilary and here's why. Sondra Huxtable-Tibideaux, played by Sabrina La Beauf, pretty much always had it together. She had her moments of "huh," but she came to her senses pretty quickly and usually without much conflict.

Hilary, however, kind of went through the struggle. She went from airhead Valley Girl who was always the butt of a joke to a successful talk show host. By the end of the series, "The Hilary Show" was to be syndicated nationwide from New York. She had began to make a name for herself aside from her family's name. Sondra, while she was a lawyer like her mother, became, as the series went on, more scatterbrained and didn't have as many glowing accomplishments. Yes, she gave birth to twins and that's something that's great in its own right, but she also gave birth to the Elvin character played by Geoffrey Owens. I'm sorry, but Elvin was more annoying than anything. He had good intentions, but he was a dork through-and-through. Even Carlton had moments of "cool." With that in mind, let's go to the second-oldest offspring.

Second kid-wise, I'm going with, shockingly enough, Lisa Bonet as Denise Huxtable-Kendall. While the legendary Carlton Dance almost won it for me, just off the strength that the Carlton Dance is what it is, Denise--wait a gotdang minute! While Will Smith wasn't actually a Banks, he was, technically, the second child of the Banks Family (he's about a year older than Carlton, give or take). Plus, you can't, like, not include the namesake of the show.

So, knowing this? Sorry, Denise. I'm going with my man Will Smith for the win, definitively.

Will grew by leaps and bounds when compared to Denise. Plus, because of Denise, we got Olivia. And because of Olivia, we got Raven-Symone. But, more on that later. But, it seems to be a trend that, while The Cosby Show showed its characters getting married and whatnot, their spouses and kids were kind of grating.

Now, for the "third kid," I'm going with Alfonso Ribeiro as Carlton Banks for the win over Malcolm-Jamal Warner's Theo.

Now, Theo's glo up was real. He went from "you big dummy" territory to an NYU graduate. That's clutch. But, Carlton learned to not live in his father's shadow, learned some real-life skills along the way he didn't have as just "Carlton Banks: Philip's Son," and ended up getting into Princeton towards the last few episodes of the series. Princeton versus NYU, Carlton Dance versus Theo's Crappy Sweater...yep, I've got to put on some Tom Jones. Even though MJW had a pretty cool turn on Sons of Anarchy and Ribeiro hosts America's Funniest Videos now, I'm still going with the cardigan-wearing, arm-swinging, squealing little man from Bel-Air.

Four is lucky for the Huxtables, as I'm going with Tempestt Bledsoe's Vanessa over Tatyana Ali's Ashley in our match-up of fourth kids.

When Ashley seemed to become more like "Aaliyah: The NBC Version" (remember the "Make Up Your Mind" song and episode?) and became more of a vehicle for Ali, Vanessa felt more like a person. Ashley, as she grew, was given storylines (the virginity episode, the bikini-clad cola ad episode, etc.), but some kind of missed more than they hit, which made me remember more that I was watching Tatyana Ali play Ashley versus being immersed into the character. That's not to say that Ali was less talented than Bledsoe; they're both incredibly talented. But, Vanessa rang more true to me. Now, let's focus on the babies of the family.

Nicky versus Rudy isn't even fair. Why? Well, it's a five-year-old going up against a teenager (by the end of the series). However, it's not like I can compare Jazz or Geoffrey to Rudy. With that said Keisha Knight Pulliam's Rudy Huxtable wins over Ross Bagley's Nicky. Also, there was that entire Boyz II Men Christmas episode that randomly sped up Nicky's age because, you know, cute, snarky, precocious kids FTW! If we were going Nicky versus Olivia, Nicky'd win. The "Dougie" episode trumped most of Olivia's qualms (except for the episode where her dad was leaving).

So, I guess that means I've got to compare Geoffrey to Olivia, as both were secondary characters that were, in some way or another, connected to their respective families. This was done in a way that they might as well, if they weren't already, have been part of the family. I'm not going to talk about Pam (even though Erika Alexander was freakin' awesome as Pam and as Maxine) because Olivia appears in more episodes. We've got snarky butler versus snarky kid who grows up to hate names such as "Watermelondrea."

Olivia was pretty much given the de facto task of keeping folks interested in The Cosby Show. Geoffrey was always the sarcastic, but lovable, butler that people went to for that taste of British Realness. Olivia, in some ways, succeeded in keeping people intrigued by the Huxtables...but not in a good way. You could almost set a watch to when Raven-Symone would deliver an Olsen Twin-esque quip in an episode. Geoffrey's sarcasm and snark was more evenly spaced out. Because of this, I'm going with my man G over the girl who grew up to see the future, be a part of the future--oh, and ruin Hangin' with Mr. Cooper. I'm kidding, Raven.

But, no, seriously...Raven-Symone, you're not that funny or witty.

In total, we've got:

Dad: FPOBA

Mom: TCS

First born: FPOBA

Second born: FPOBA

Third born: FPOBA

Fourth born: TCS

"Baby of the Family": TCS

Honorary Member/Olivia: FPOBA

With a score of 5-3, I'm going with The Banks Family. Sorry, Cliff.

↧

WIRTB Review: That's So Raven

December 9, 2015, 7:00 am

≫ Next: New Music: @JayVerze - #TIHWDI

≪ Previous: Family Feud: The Cosby Show versus The Fresh Prince

I'm doing this one on a dare. And I never back down from dares.

My name is Speed on the Beat, and this is Was It Really That Bad Review, where I review the crap so you don't have to. Earlier today on the DefineaRevolution.com site, I spoke on an underrated kid-skewed comedy called Smart Guy (you've probably heard of it). So, I figured, why the eff not? Why not go all Nostalgia Critic and look at stuff that people from my generation, in some way, shape, or form, grew up with?

Now, I was out of most of the target demographics that That's So Raven wanted to hit (you know, 8-to-15 year old girls who don't identify with any set race or label, because, you know, that's so not Raven). In 2003, I was more concerned with trying to get in eighteen-year-olds' pants (aim high and you'll end up amongst the stars) and soccer, not an eighteen-year-old psychic.

...wait, what? She was only supposed to be 14? Next, you're gonna tell me Melissa Joan Hart was really close to thirty when Sabrina The Teenage Witch ended...

Oh fudge...

So, That's So Raven follows the exploits of a teenager with psychic abilities who runs around saying "oh, snap" for about 15% of the entire series' actual dialogue. She also saves people from high school shenanigans because Disney. Co-starring Orlando Brown before he had real-life issues and Annaliese van der Pol (I don't have a joke here), the series lasted for 100 episodes split over four seasons and spawned a spin-off with Raven's TV brother Cory (Cory in the House) which was something about their dad becoming a cook in the White House...or something(?)

It also featured Hopsin as an extra for a couple seconds in one episode.

That's got to count for something, right? No? Ok, moving on.

You know how people say now "I wish Disney Channel would go back to the good ol' days?"This was from those so-called good ol' days. It was like someone sucked all the fun out of I Love Lucy, painted it black, and added some Sabrina The Teenage Witch supernatural elements because, you know, tweens and teens love that crap. It worked for The Secret World of Alex Mack, and a slew of other shows and films from that mid-90s to mid-2000s era of stuff. So, it should've been good enough to work for one Raven-Symone Christina Pearman.

The thing is this: Raven-Symone, regardless her wacked-out philosophies, has some pretty good comedic timing. She can be funny when she's not talking out her asscheeks. Although, I'll admit. Probably seeing Raven doing what Mister Cheeks discussed his lady-friend do on "Lights, Camera, Action" would probably be something worth seeing, if only for the experience. And Disney Channel series are all but destined to be cornball central; they're meant for kids and early teens.

But, That's So Raven was probably the worst offender, mainly because Raven kept trying to be some sort of bastardized Lucille Ball-meets-Jim Carrey knockoff instead of just being Raven-Symone.

Yeah, she was too old to be doing her Olivia shtick...but at least that would've been more fun to watch. Actually, now that I think about it, that's exactly what she did to a degree, so...never mind, then. Now, I know that TSR became Raven's pet. It was, for a while, the biggest thing to hit Disney, since before Hannah Montana gave us Miley Cyrus, pre-strap-on photo days, That's So Raven was queen.

But even some queens are horrible. I did a binge watch a week ago to prep for this review. So, I gathered the following. That's So Raven was/is:

overly cheesy
overly preachy with its messages in a way that'd even make Full House blush
not overly funny (I got more laughs out of watching Bubble Guppies with my four-year-old than this drivel--and that's a preschooler's show)
void of any real drama/suspense (even Shake It Up, from what I gathered from my kids' mom's--at the time--tween-to-early-teen sister, had more drama/suspense)
guilty of thinking it was smarter than it really was
guilty of thinking its audience was dumber than it was (kids are smart and deserve good entertainment, dammit!)

But...was it really that bad? For what it was, it could've been a lot worse, to be honest. It wasn't completely mind-numbingly stupid (although, it did get pretty friggin' close) and there are worse shows that tweens-to-early-teens could've watched back then. Is it good? Oh...oh....oh, hells no. It's gotta go. But, for what it was--and I'm putting myself in the shoes of someone who could enjoy it versus, you know, me--it wasn't that bad.

~~Now, if we can only get Raven-Symone to stop being so...Raven on The View, bless her heart.~~ At least she's giving her all on The View, even if she does come off like a giant friggin' jackass sometimes.

But, that's another story for another day.

↧

New Music: @JayVerze - #TIHWDI

December 9, 2015, 1:51 pm

≫ Next: So, what if Chris Davis leaves?

≪ Previous: WIRTB Review: That's So Raven

Twenty years and a day ago, Montell Jordan released what has become a staple in, well, practically every party setting, "This Is How We Do It." Sampling Slick Rick's "Children's Story," which, ya know, SAMPLE TRAIN!!! because "Children's Story" sampled Bob James' Nautilus, "TIHWDI" is a classic jam. Enter Maryland MC Jay Verze who, yesterday, dropped his remix and remake of the classic track. While not exactly keeping the party vibe, Jay delivers a solid re-image of the song, paying homage to the song and the fact that it and he share a birth year.

↧

So, what if Chris Davis leaves?

December 10, 2015, 7:49 am

≫ Next: New Visuals: @CheMerk - "Giuseppe" feat. @DreWillz26

≪ Previous: New Music: @JayVerze - #TIHWDI

I don't claim to be an expert on sports. I enjoy sportsball of all sorts, but I'm not in the front offices of any teams--unless I'm playing Madden, MLB The Show, or FIFA. However, like many Orioles fans, I'm preparing myself for that news clip on SportsCenter which announces that 1B (and sometimes outfielder, DH, and pitcher) Chris Davis has accepted a $230MM contract from some random team that isn't the Orioles.

Things, however, on that front, aren't as gloom as some'd suggest. Tidbits have come out suggesting the Orioles are willing to go up to $24MM annually. But, there are other rumors swirling that Davis is seeking a contract of, at most, $200MM over eight years (that's $25MM a year for those keeping score at home, one million more than what the Orioles are rumored to have as their breaking point).

Do I believe that "Crush" will be back in Baltimore? Yeah. Scott Boras has a rep for being a shark, but let's be real: he works for the players, not the other way around. He's just trying to get the best deal possible for men who have a short career lifespan (per a 2007 NIH study, rookies can expect to play, based on analysis of most of the 20th century in MLB, 5.6 years) and, as agents do, line his own coffers in the process. Davis receiving $24MM a year, while not exactly that $200MM/8yrs sweet spot, is still a pretty penny--and one that could, considering Davis' rapport with Baltimore, could keep him.

While we can sit here and talk about salaries being way too high versus, say, teachers and firefighters, until the cows come home, I'm not going to focus much on that. I want to, instead, ponder about the possibility of Davis going elsewhere and what it could mean for the Orioles. Because, yes, $24MM could keep him. But, it could lead him elsewhere if something more monetarily insane comes along.

Now, yes, the O's got Mark Trumbo for the low recently.

Mark Trumbo can play in the outfield, DH, and play first base--like Chris Davis. He also has some pretty legit pop in his bat--which, in a hitter-friendly stadium like OPACY, can lead to mammoth numbers. However, many pundits suggest that Mark Trumbo is less defensively inclined than Davis. He's not Adam Dunn bad, but he's not winning any Gold Gloves anytime soon. But, again, the Orioles got him for cheap. So, if Baltimore does lose Davis, they might be alright.

To a degree.

Ideally, you'd probably want, if you're Buck Showalter, to have Trumbo playing a corner outfielder position and have Crush on first. As a fan, you'd probably want the same thing. Losing Davis wouldn't completely gut the team's chances to contend next season. But, it would be a morale-dampening thing, for players and fans. For instance, Adam Jones has been quite vocal about the Orioles needing to maintain, at the very least, Davis, Wieters (they have), O'Day (they have), and Wei-Yin Chen (who, oddly enough, people aren't panicking as much about as they are with Davis). Should we lose Chen and Davis, could that spell some discontent coming from Jones.

I don't know. I don't claim to be a FO expert or a player psychologist. However, the Orioles need Chris Davis (even if they'd be alright without him). We've just got to wait and see if $24MM/7yrs is enough to make Davis need the Orioles. The Orioles also need pitchers, but...that's another story entirely.

↧

New Visuals: @CheMerk - "Giuseppe" feat. @DreWillz26

December 10, 2015, 12:30 pm

≫ Next: Why The Dreamcast Was Doomed (And How It Could've Been Saved)

≪ Previous: So, what if Chris Davis leaves?

What happens when you take the "I love my shoe" trope that's been a staple in hip-hop just about since its inception, update it with a very fashionable shoe, add in a driving instrumental, and include a rack of scantily-clad women? You get the visuals for Che Merk's "Giuseppe" featuring Dre Willz of Spill Gang. The entrancing song grabbed me, and that's even before we see the models work their magic.

I'm usually not the biggest fan of "look at my chain/wrist/car" songs, I'll admit. But, this track has an "anthemic" feel to it that I couldn't deny. Plus, ya know, I'd gladly blare this one over "Air Force Ones" any day of the week because "AFO" was, literally, a giant commercial. At least "Giuseppe" doesn't completely go into "I'm just hawking this product" territory with no real regard for actual musical ability.

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Why The Dreamcast Was Doomed (And How It Could've Been Saved)

December 15, 2015, 6:00 am

≫ Next: WIRTB: BMX XXX

≪ Previous: New Visuals: @CheMerk - "Giuseppe" feat. @DreWillz26

Ed. Note: As part of DAR Gaming Week, I'll analyze some of the reasons why Sega's last console was all but doomed from the start--even though, truthfully, it could have been saved (even with its many flaws)

Sega, in its last years as a console maker, made a lot of mistakes. Let's be clear in that I won't be speaking solely as a Sega apologist. I know they screwed up. But, with that said, the Dreamcast was, as the title states, doomed from the start. But, truth be told, it may've been able to be salvaged. In this piece, I'll get into both of those points.

Just as the Sega 32X "add-on" console before it being a stopgap between the legendary Genesis and the not-so legendary Saturn (not to mention, ya know, the N64 and PlayStation consoles), the Sega Dreamcast was an ambitious console that essentially served as an expensive stopgap until the PlayStation 2, XBOX, and Nintendo GameCube consoles were released. Yes, we got Sonic Adventure, the beginnings of two of the most-storied sports sims in NFL 2K and NBA 2K, and the classic RPG Shenmue out of it. Yes, in the West, the Dreamcast had one of the best console launches of all-time, financially-speaking. And yes, it was one of the first consoles that successfully--sort of--achieved online multiplayer capabilities.

But, for every success, there was a failure.

For starters, let's look at its specs and launch. Releasing at a time where Sony and Nintendo were king, the Dreamcast could've carved out a huge niche for itself as that hardcore system that still had a mainstream sensibility to it. But, even releasing the console on time proved to be a monumental task.

The original PowerVR chipsets in the Japanese version were scarce at time of initial production, which dampened sales; demand trumped the number of consoles which were initially released. That's without even getting into many details about the PowerVR lawsuit which arose. After this, key launch titles such as Sonic Adventure, were delayed. On top of that, Sega opted to use its own GD-ROM discs versus DVDs for its games, therefore alienating people who may've used the console as a multifaceted entertainment system (like the PS2 after it). Plus, there were rumors that Sega's president at the time didn't really care how or get why a console should be marketed. So, for those counting at home, that's already four failures and we haven't even gotten to the Western release of the console.

In the West, as mentioned, the system fared better for a while. It was new and toted better graphics than the PlayStation. Plus, games such as Sonic Adventure and the 2K Sports games were prepped for the Western release.

The marketing campaign in the States and abroad was even more aggressive for a console that was already, in Japan, popular but nowhere near profitable. However, Sega suffered a major loss when it could not procure Electronic Arts (EA) for its console. Financially, of course, it was close to impossible. And while we got the 2K Sports games out of it, people were still hesitant to go to a console that didn't have Madden, the sports game which reigned supreme in the U.S., or its EA Sports counterparts (even though, let's be real: NBA 2K was almostalways better than its NBA Live counterpart, Jordan-in-Live exclusivity, EA Trax and all). But, the console was released, after the aforementioned campaign, for $199, which set it up to have one of the best console releases of all-time.

Sega, in some ways, seemed to have done it. They'd achieved success without EA (and SquareSoft, later Square Enix, which kept its exclusivity deal with Sony going), they were rolling out exclusives that made the Dreamcast the "go-to" system for a while, and it had a pretty sizable portion of the North American market share for gaming. In Europe, the console was selling well also. And while the company's net income was still in the red, the losses had plateaued a bit after the failure which was Sega Saturn.

And then, the Emotion Engine buzz and the PS2 tech demos happened.

In 1999, Sony, who still had a chokehold on most of the market share, announced the PlayStation 2 was in production. A DVD-ROM-utilizing system, the PS2 was slated to be the console that took gaming to the next level. It was publicized and marketed as a system that had legitimate online capabilities, the ability to showcase characters as more life-like through its "Emotion Engine," and rendered--initially--the Dreamcast obsolete. Yes, the specs came out en masse and proved that statement false, but the damage was done. The Dreamcast began its quick descent.

Even without Nintendo announcing the GameCube in 2000, overall sales for Sega's last console dropped drastically. Between FY 2000 and FY 2001, Sega suffered a loss. While the Western release was successful (and could be theorized to have helped Sega's losses plateau), the money poured into marketing the console (and its continued losses in Japan) created numerous shifts within its parent company.

Additionally, Peter Moore's efforts to bring more brand awareness to the console through rebates, reduced prices, etc. drove profits down further. While Moore's plans helped keep the console above water in the States, it proved to be a moot point as in late-2000, the PS2 (even with its borderline failed launch) and the PlayStation's redesigned PSOne, effectively killed the Dreamcast--and Sega's dreams of staying in the console-designing business.

You know the rest of the story from here. In early-2001, the Dreamcast was discontinued and Sega announced it'd start creating games for other consoles for the first time in its history. Now, my telling of the history of the Dreamcast, mind you, focuses on only a few of the possible reasons for its failure. However, let's get into the second part of this piece: how the Dreamcast could've survived longer.

First, Sega could've skipped the 32X. That's plain and simple. There was absolutely no need for that "console." After the 32X was nixed completely, there could've been more support for the Saturn in America as some American gamers were skittish on Sega after its lack of U.S. support for the system. Even if we take those two failures out of the mix, Sega could've focused more of its attention on the Dreamcast itself versus its numerous add-ons. Hell, holding off on the Japanese release for a bit to iron out the kinks in the system--maybe even including a DVD drive--could've worked wonders for it. That could've alleviated the need for Sega to sell the console at a price which doomed its profitability.

After Sega got its kinks ironed out and--potentially--sold more in Japan, there could've been a larger focus on how its original properties surpassed third-party developers. If you've played an NFL 2K game and then played Madden, you'd know that 2K reigned supreme in a lot of regards (and that's even before you get into the still-great-in-2015-with-its-2004 graphics ESPN NFL 2K5). Actually, going back, Sega slashing prices in hopes of procuring more market share/saving money to regain a license/etc. is a move that's failed the company many, many, many times before. So, the death of the NFL 2K series should've been all but written in the stars. But, I digress.

Had Sega made sure the system was fully operational, made it more into an all-in-one versus just a console, and actually not screwed the pooch on the system overall, the Dreamcast could've survived a bit longer.

...but then Halo arrived. So...it's quite possible that Sega would've been screwed any way you cut it, either from competition, lack of sales, lack of profit, or lack of giving a crap about the system. But hey, what the hell do I know? I'm just a guy who's giving fact-based opinions on something I'm pretty knowledgeable about.

↧

WIRTB: BMX XXX

December 16, 2015, 8:30 am

≫ Next: PA Volume 27: One-Punch Man!!!!!!!!!!!

≪ Previous: Why The Dreamcast Was Doomed (And How It Could've Been Saved)

In the annals of video game history, there are great games that utilize controversy and the like to bolster their stories. For instance, let's talk Grand Theft Auto IV. While it was, for me, the worst game in the series, GTA IV's finale featured an "is blood really thicker than water?" choice between Niko's cousin and girlfriend. I always chose the girlfriend, only because hearing Roman speak was like taking a cage of bees to my face nether regions.

Indeed.

Another example of "controversy" to bolster a story and foster a connection is the fact games such as Fable and Mass Effect, with their allowance of same-sex marriage and relationships in a way that wasn't stereotypical. The relationships were treated as any other. But, today's WIRTB Review isn't one of these games. In fact, one could argue that it's one of the worst games of all-time. And if not the worst, it sure as hell helped kill Acclaim Entertainment and make extreme sports games uncool. So, without further ado, let's (not) play BMX XXX.

For starters, the game's reputation is built on the fact that it's a crap BMX game with some pre-Superbad sex comedy vibes that was supposed to be the next Dave Mirra BMX game (before, ya know, it stunk up the place). Because Dave Mirra supposedly saw how crap it was, he was like "nah" and Acclaim decided to ramp up the sex--possibly because even they knew it was crap--and put this steaming pile out anyway. What we got was a barely functional BMX game with polygon titties, dog-on-dog sex scenes (don't ask) and sex puns and innuendo so dated, The Seven Year Itch probably passed on them.

The game took forever and a day (and not the good 4evaNaDay kind, either) to load and once it did, you were treated to a FMV of bikers screwing around and strippers. After this, you got, as mentioned, a barely-functional BMX game with polygon titties.

"But Speed, how great were the titties," you ask?

Now yes, it was 2002/2003 when this game dropped. But even the "Hot Coffee" crack was more sexually awesome than this drivel. It doesn't help that, ya know, the game sucked. And how did it suck?

Aside from the polygon titties, every other aspect of the graphics felt dated--even by 2002 standards (and, yes, that's including the random videos you'd get of "real-life" strippers). The humor was, again, headscratchingly awful. The story, from what I remembered, also involved a stereotypically jive-talkin' pimp, probably because Rudy Ray Moore wasn't aware and couldn't sue to keep them from infringing on his Dolemite trademark. So, you know it was probably played by a white guy who'd just seen Shaft and said "hey, I can do this jive-talkin' shit, too, brotherman."

On top of that, the areas where you'd do your BMXing were ~~bland as watching vanilla paint dry in a whitewalled white house~~ seemingly stolen from the classic 1988 game Skate or Die. That's even before you get into the fact that the physics felt like the aborted Gurren Lagann spin-off, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann Extreme Sports Fiesta (which I'm sure would've been amazing if it were a real thing). At least the soundtrack was...actually, no. The soundtrack was pretty cliched as well. So, even the music couldn't score it some points.

All in all, the game seemed to only exist as a giant eff you to Dave Mirra, fans of his (vastly) superior game series, and people with emotional maturity levels over the age of five. If you're really that desperate for polygon tits, just stay in the strip club in GTA V. Or, ya know, try to see actual breasts via porn or the real world. This game is trash and I'd recommend it to no one.

↧

PA Volume 27: One-Punch Man!!!!!!!!!!!

December 17, 2015, 8:40 am

≫ Next: Hyun-soo Kim is a Baltimore Oriole

≪ Previous: WIRTB: BMX XXX

NSFW Warning/Disclaimer:

Speed: So, I was thinking we should review commercials. I'm kind of bored and it may be fun to talk about, for instance, Jonathan Ogden dancing in a GEBCO commercial.

Drizzle: Naw.

Speed: I mean, I don't know. We need a new PA and I want to take people off-guard in the traditional Profound Assholes sort of way. So, tangent. I randomly started watching some porn featuring Skin Diamond.

My Gawd. So, as I'm watching her squirt from a fuck machine, I'm thinking to myself--

Drizzle: Nope. We're not doing porn.

Speed: You didn't even let me finish. Anyway, I was thinking to myself "self...I have no PA ideas."

Drizzle: I've one.

Speed: Is it going to involve me ranting and raving with smart--and hilariously sexy--results?

Drizzle: ...no. Today, we give praise to...

Speed: I think I know where this is going.

Drizzle: (mimicking the One-Punch Man opening) ONE PUNCHHHHHHHH...MANNNNNNN.

Speed: Alright, so we're finally gonna talk OPM today? I'm game.

Drizzle: Why is it so fucking good?!

Speed: Um...ONE is a great storyteller? It's kind of like Attack on Titan meets Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann? Uh...Saitama is an Everyman who can--and seems to almost always does--out-punch any man? It's Batman meets Star Wars with what Eva should've been? I don't have the answers, Drizzle.

Drizzle: It makes fun of what we know and love.

Speed: That was my next point, and probably the only one that makes any real sense when you're talking One-Punch Man. Except for, maybe, ONE knowing his way around a story. But, continue. Because I know that there can't be just a clean-cut answer to this question. OPM is great. It makes fun of what we know and love in a way unseen in mainstream shonen and seinen anime since, probably, TTGL. I mean, we've got Lucky Star and stuff like Haruhi, but that is more slice-of-life than anything, even though they're also genre-blenders.

Even though I love some Haruhi, it's still not the same. Tangent time, but Nagato-Chan hasn't delivered as much for me. But, back to OPM, Saitama punches things into oblivion while still having a God-like moral compass. So, I know that there's more to your answer.

Drizzle: Ahem...now where was we? Oh, yeah!

Let's backtrack a bit, though. ONE isn't as good of a storyteller--or that great with knowing his way around a story--as we give him credit for. I mean, looking at everything...he's just a...troll.

Speed: So, he's us, except he's knowingly trolling versus subversively trolling?

Drizzle: Well, think about this: Every story and episode of the series has been the same. The heroes go and get into the fight of their lives. They fuck around and get their asses kicked. Then, ONE PUNCHHHHHHH MANNNNN!!! Saitama gets no credit. Repeat.

Speed: It definitely gets into that Villain of the Week trope, especially in a way that parodies that formula and our ideas of the "super man." Plus, I mean, it doesn't get much more troll-y that Saitama's first rescue. The kid has testicles for a chin, for fuck's sake.

Drizzle: But, the series is so damned entertaining because, in the process of kicking ass and ONE PUNNNNCHHHHH-ing someone, it makes you completely take apart the concept of "superheroes."

Speed: It's a deconstruction of the genre through and through. How? By utilizing ONE's heavy troll tendencies and an overabundance of parody that, out of nowhere, can still remain deadass serious while Saitama punches five sextillion holes through an enemy taller than the Earth itself. It's kind of how TTGL is, in some ways, but even more ramped up than Kamina and Company.

Drizzle: He doesn't do it, the superhero thing. There's no Superman or Batman expy. It's just a bunch of anime characters who, while badass, usually don't cut it. There's no overly thought out interpretation or existentialist thought in the series. There's no hipster bullshit. It's just a series about a man who punches shit to death after the most awesome fight scenes I've seen in a while. He--ONE as a creator--is literally making fun of those over-the-top anime fights and superheroes with the way he goes to--and through--Western and Eastern hero styles.

Speed: But, I mean, it's still a deconstruction. Except, it's one without being completly pretentious with the deconstruction.

Drizzle: I think that my favorite parts are when ONE and company make fun of the whole hipster interpretation garbage we often see in shows. Like, when Genos tells his backstory.

Saitama and the audience, by proxy, are pretty much like "shut the fuck up, Genos." Even though, in "proper seinen style," the audience would eat that exposition up. Here, ONE is like "this is how bullshit this type of exposition is."

Speed: That's kind of what I'm saying. It's a deconstruction through sheer parody and simple ONE saying "hey guys. Here's that bullshit you know and love about anime. All offense to you, but it's fucking bullshit. Just like, oh, I don't know, Evangelion's ending.

Drizzle: (laughs) You beat me to it.

Speed: Well, yeah. I knew where you were headed.

Drizzle: Hipsters be like "Oh, lemme interpret this anime. It's so deep and"--

Drizzle and Speed: ONE PUNCH MAN!!!

Speed: Damn right.

Drizzle: It spells out the whole story in two episodes. "I wanna be a hero for fun. I'm looking for a fight that's longer than one punch."

Speed: Yep.

Drizzle: So, despite--or maybe because of--its simplicity and general lack of fucks for genre control, One-Punch Man is the most-entertaining show I've seen in a long time. It seems we really don't need those elongated--and sometimes confusing--storylines all the time to keep us entertained. Or...maybe...just maybe...we just don't give a fuck.

Speed: Hmm...alright.

Drizzle: Honestly, we usually know the conclusion of most stories. Good guys win, bad guys lose. In America, it's when that line gets blurred that we actually watch something for eight seasons. But, the attempts to make you feel like there's a general struggle to win? They're so plentiful these days. It's left us numb. But, of course, we watch anyway.

ONE shows us the "why" to "why do we watch?" in a weird way. We like the fighting, the choreography. We like watching people be awesome. So, we have a million badass fight scenes--where the majority of the heroes usually lose--even though we know that we're about to get ONE PUNCH MAN. We watch even though we know he's coming. And the absurdity of his wins is just outright hilarious.

Speed: And it's fucking glorious.

Drizzle: But, did I just see Lord Boros survive a punch?! And what do you mean, "final episode?!?!?!?!?!"

Speed: Season two, just based off the popularity of the series, has got to happen. It's just gotta. I mean, the OG ONE version still has a lot of story to go. So, I'd be surprised if we didn't get a second season--even if it takes a couple years, a la Attack on Titan.

↧

Hyun-soo Kim is a Baltimore Oriole

December 17, 2015, 10:00 am

≫ Next: The Death of the MLB Video Game

≪ Previous: PA Volume 27: One-Punch Man!!!!!!!!!!!

The Baltimore Orioles keep on getting (potential) greatness for the low this off-season. After all but stealing Mark Trumbo from the Mariners, and resigning Darren O'Day (for a price that some could argue was lower than expected), the team picked up Korean left fielder/first baseman Hyun-soo Kim. Kim, 28, is coming off a great season for the Doosan Bears of the Korean Baseball Organization. Last year, in a somewhat hitter-friendly league, Kim batted .326/.438/.541 and is, per some reports, known for his batting discipline. Batting discipline has been, in some ways, a problem for the Orioles in the past. That's especially true with slugger Chris Davis placing in the top-ten for strikeouts in MLB history over the past couple years.

Of course, the KBO is incredibly hitter friendly, so his numbers may come down a bit. However, it's a great pickup for a cheap price (about $7 million for two years). And, it leaves room for the O's to go after a couple other players (hi Chris Davis, remember Baltimore?), particularly a power-hitting player and a top-of-the-rotation pitcher. The O's didn't sign David Price, but they're still making moves this offseason. Even if things don't look as outright promising as they do for some other teams, don't count out Baltimore in the regular season--even if Crush leaves (if he stays, then people should, ya know, watch out).

↧

The Death of the MLB Video Game

December 18, 2015, 7:05 am

≫ Next: Dear Dwayne Haskins...

≪ Previous: Hyun-soo Kim is a Baltimore Oriole

As part of DAR Gaming Week, I will discuss the apparent death of multiple MLB video games.

Growing up, there were a few givens in the video game world. Mario would beat Bowser, Sonic would beat Dr. Robotnik, and there'd always be a new baseball game to help me live out my dreams of being a Cy Young winning pitcher for the Baltimore Orioles. Hell, before I even went to my first Orioles game, I'd become versed in the art of the sport through either playing it for real or playing it on the Genesis or SNES.

But, somewhere along the way, the MLB video game, as a whole, started to fall off.

For a sport that's called America's Pastime, over the past decade or so, it hasn't received much love. Now, the games released haven't reached NASCAR-levels of sadness, but there's been a straight-up fall in the quality of most games after 2005. See, in 2005, after EA killed the NFL 2K series through exclusive licensing with the NFL and the NFLPA, 2K set out to do the same with baseball. What we got was quite similar to what happened with Madden. MVP Baseball, EA's MLB game (formerly known as Triple Play Baseball) was amazing. It took the great things about Madden (franchise mode, authentic play, etc.), added in their own quirks (such as the pitching mechanics, some of the best--I mean, the newer baseball games still emulate them to a point), and made a classic representation of Major League Baseball--even down to the minors.

2K bought the exclusive rights to the league and began to crank out even more of its MLB 2K games. Now, originally, they were on-point. Hell, I still play 2K11 to this very day. 2K11 was, for me, the best game of the series; everything that could've been right about it...was. I mean, as weird as it is, some of the graphics in this game are still on-point when considering it against sports games on PS4/XB1.

But, after 2K11, the series fell way the eff off. How far? Well, it fell off to the point that people started to say MLB games weren't overly financially viable. Add in the fact that Sony has the only valid MLB game out (since the 2K exclusivity deal barred all third-party developers from making console MLB games, but not first-party developers), MLB: The Show, and you've got, essentially, the death of the widespread MLB game.

Hopefully, 2K--or someone--will learn and not screw up the license. I mean, Sony's MLB: The Show series picked up, in some ways, where MVP Baseball left off. But, it's a PlayStation exclusive, which leaves XBOX and Nintendo gamers out in the cold. Oh, sure. There's RBI Baseball, but that's arcade-y and has little to no simulation aspects. And, yes, there are MLB games on mobile devices, such as 9 Innings and MLB Perfect Inning, but they're freemium "card-collect" games and they're mobile--so there are going to be things left out. Though, however, Perfect Inning is, a pretty solid game for what it is. It's even got Joe Buck calling the game (sorta).

But, all I ask is that someone, somewhere...please make another MLB game that's not just a one-console exclusive. Even though I'm about to get a PS4 at some point, I still want that competition--as competition allows games to not, ya know, get complacent.

↧

Dear Dwayne Haskins...

December 18, 2015, 8:33 am

≫ Next: Fallout 4: Worth the Wait?

≪ Previous: The Death of the MLB Video Game

Dear Dwayne Haskins,

My name is Johnthan. People call me Speed on the Beat, as I used to rap and make instrumentals. That's not really the point of this letter. I don't know you and I'm probably close to a decade older than you. However, I implore you to just pick a side and just be done with it.

Ever since your name surfaced in the area as a QB to watch, people have fawned over your talent. I'm one of those people. I watched highlights of your games and said "man, this guy is kind of a rare talent. The team which gets him to commit will almost instantly become better." And when the #DMVtoUMD Movement started catching fire, I was happy. That's mainly since, as a Terp, I want the best talent at my alma mater. I also want the brightest talent, academically and otherwise. Judging from what I do know about you, you seem to fit those descriptions and would be a great fit with the University of Maryland. I'd love to see you chucking bombs at Capital One Field at ~~Byrd~~Maryland Stadium.

But, ever since the firing of Randy Edsall, I and Terp fans like me have had to deal with the numerous rumors and rumblings from pundits. Of course, they don't know everything. I don't expect them to know everything. Heck, some, I expect to just be hot air-blowing morons who, based on name recognition, their word becomes the Word of (Sports) God. That's stupid in its own right, but I digress. When Coach Edsall was fired, fans started seeing your face in apparel that wasn't Under Armour Red, Gold, Black, and White.

As a father, sports fan, and a son, I understand that. You're a young man and choosing a school that'll complement your abilities on and off the field is important. It's a very big decision. And, truth be told, it really is a life-altering thing--even if you're not an athlete. But, with that very big decision comes, again, numerous rumblings about you possibly decommitting, going to Ohio State (I'm sorry, I respect OSU and Urban Meyer as a team and a coach, but I just don't like OSU), Florida, or somewhere else. It's becoming more and more like a circus, and I know, as a young man, you're probably thinking to yourself, "dang, I just wanna ball and kill this hypebeast that's surrounding my decision(s)." You have the power to do this.

How, you ask? Well, just come out and say what your intentions are. Some of my fellow Terps are also growing tired of the hypebeast that surrounds your decisions as well. People nationwide, either with Maryland, OSU, or wherever you're visiting, they're waiting with so much bated breath that some are damn near ready to pass out.

So, all I ask of you, Dwayne, is this: please, for the love of all that is great in life, come out and finalize your decision. I'll, as a fan of DMV sports, will support you wherever you go (hopefully, it's still Maryland). But, I just want, for your sake and the collective sake of the Maryland/OSU/UF/wherever fanbase, a finalize decision or conference or something so we can get back to what's important: football and you getting the best education and athletic experience you can possibly get from wherever you go.

Sincerely,
Johnthan "Speed on the Beat" Speed

↧

Fallout 4: Worth the Wait?

December 20, 2015, 11:10 am

≫ Next: WIRTB Review: Unfinished Business

≪ Previous: Dear Dwayne Haskins...

As part of DAR Gaming Week, True passed this piece ofgreatness over to me to post. If you need any more reasons to play Fallout 4, Peagle provides some below.

By @peagle05

It's time for me to exit the vault, Fallout 4 has been out for a little over a month now and I've waited so long to write a review because that's what you have to do when reviewing a game like this..take a whole damn month to do as much as humanly possible.

So let's start with the main story, because quite honestly it's the most insignifcant part of the entire game. That's not to say it isn't good, because it is, but that isn't why we play Fallout now is it? To keep things as simple and spoiler-free as possible, (because I'm sure someone reading this hasn't played it) the game is set in the Boston area, called here The Commonwealth. After a very detailed opening sequence in which you craft your character from looks to stats, your Vault Dweller is leaving Vault 111 in search of his son who was taken from him shortly after the bombs drop. (Tip: when getting ready to leave the Vault, do a hard save in case you want to change your character again, this is your last chance to reallocate stats and change your look in the beginning). What follows is a series of quests, faction alignment and betrayal that leads to your discovery of some of the biggest mysteries in the Fallout franchise. You don't need to have played the previous three games to understand this story, but having an idea of the lore and backstory gives some of the revelations more weight. As is the case with quite a few of the open world RPG style games, the real meat of the game is in the side quests. This is where some of the more interesting pieces of the game world come into view and they must be experienced at some point in the playthrough. Bethesda does a great job making this world feel like it is truly lived in and the side quests just top that off.

Now we come to the interesting part of the game: The gameplay itself. Bethesda has done a great job improving the gunplay from Fallout 3 and it shows in some of the more intense firefights players will find themselves in. Make no mistake, this is NOT an easy game, even on Normal difficulty. You will die and it won't because ''the game is cheating'', you have to be smart in firefights and manage ressources dead in the middle of them. The enemies are so much smarter now and not just the human ones. One of the Fallout series classic enemies, the Radscorpion has a new attack pattern as they now attack from underground and will not hesitate to sneak attack you. The improved enemy agression makes the game feel less like I'm just blowing through the world and more like I'm trying to survive it and that's what you want in a game like this. It seems that the gunplay has been tightened to more closely resemble a true FPS. Based on the way some of the guns felt, the best comparison I could make is to Bungie's Destiny. Outside of the gunplay, the other big hook is the exploration. Do yourself a favor, don't use fast travel. The world outside of main/side quests is damn near alive and I've found myself in buildings with Saw-like booby traps with no explanation behind them that seemed to have a story of their own. The world tells its own story and it absolutely has to be seen to be believed. The voice work in the game, while spotty in some areas, is excellent overall. The guns both sound and look amazing and feel like they have real weight to them, it is possible to customize these guns through the use of workbenches placed throughout the world. This leads me to the next part of the game, the crafting and settlement building. Fallout 4 has a settlement system that allows you to basically build your own city, bring in survivors and truly thrive in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. The only negative is that the game doesn't do a great job of explaining how to go about building them, once you get the hang of it though, it is truly an invaluable part of the game. The perk system has been changed as well, leveliing up goes through more of a skill tree that condenses the perks and makes leveling a bit more streamlined and easy to allocate points to.

Fortunately, through my playthrough, I haven't encountered any of the game breaking bugs that games such as these tend to have. That isn't to say they aren't there, because they are. Bethesda is known to release some fairly buggy games and in their defense, it's hard to catch everything when you make a game of this magnitude. So with that, make frequent use of the game's excellent quicksave function and you shouldn't ahve a problem while Bethesda continues to support the game through post-release patches.

Bethesda Game Studios has created a masterpiece of a game and a strong contender for Game of the Year. This is the type of game that grabs hold of you and doesn't let go. You need time to play this and play it right. But if you find yourself with the time to truly immerse yourself in this world and everything it has to offer, go buy this game now and join the rest of the world in The Commonwealth.

-Peagle

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WIRTB Review: Unfinished Business

December 21, 2015, 11:46 am

≫ Next: WIRTB Review: Lil' Wayne's Rebirth

≪ Previous: Fallout 4: Worth the Wait?

In the early 2000s, there were certain things in hip-hop that were taken to be truths. For instance, Eminem was a vulgar-ass white guy, but he was one of the best lyricists people'd seen. Tupac was still bound to drop an album or two, even though he'd been dead since 1996. And, of course, Jay Z and R. Kelly were two of the biggest artists from their respective genres, both achieving a large amount of crossover success. So, 2002's The Best of Both Worlds was a given (the 2000s were also the time of the mashup/duet album). And while it had some hiccups, most people would argue that it was a solid album. A bit slow and overrated at times because of who was on the album, but solid nonetheless.

I've got a point. Stick with me.After TBOBW, shit got real. For starters, R. Kelly's sex crimes issue gained traction. People, for whatever unholy reason, were actually selling this tape of Kellz (allegedly, to avoid me getting sued for libel) pissing on a teenage girl. And his image was, in some ways, tarnished. To this day, because of the way he kind of skated past everything (allegedly, to avoid me getting sued for libel), and, in some ways, flaunts his "not guilty" verdict, people consider him "one of the worst human beings of all-time." Oh, and there was something about a Black Album.

Anyway, somewhere along the line, Jay and R. Kelly--or maybe it was their management/labels--said that "hey, fuck it. Let's go ahead and do another Best of Both Worlds using the same format, same producers--hell, some of the same songs in theory and execution. People will eat this shit up! Plus, ya know, we've got this tour we need to promote/use to possibly pay Kellz' legal fees." So...was 2004's Unfinished Business really that bad of an album?

In a word, yes. In more than one word? Oh, hell to the motherfuckin' yeah. It was that bad. You can just feel the "phone-home" factor on every song. While it did generate "Don't Let Me Die," one of the hits from the album, even that song had questionable moments. For instance, R. Kelly's verse. You know, 2004 me, I enjoyed this song. It probably had something to do with the fact they played it a million and three times, sometimes back-to-back. Then again, I also enjoyed chasing after young women who wore pink jean jackets. The instrumental is kind of basic, Jay sounds uninspired (yes, worse that MCHG), and R. Kelly's verse is...no, just no.

The rest of the album doesn't fare much better and almost instantaneously shows its age whenever it pops up on your playlist. To sum up the album, it's R. Kelly and Jay Z playing "Who Can Execute the Rap Cliche Better?" for about 45 minutes. Who wins? Who the fuck cares? We all lose. Even if The Best of Both Worlds wasn't perfect, it at least provided comedy for when it faltered. Here, it's an awkward presentation of why you can't strike lightning twice, especially if the first time wasn't all that great to begin with.

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WIRTB Review: Lil' Wayne's Rebirth

December 22, 2015, 8:25 am

≫ Next: The 2015-16 Warriors COULD Beat the 72-10 Chicago Bulls, But...

≪ Previous: WIRTB Review: Unfinished Business

Rap-rock is a predominant force in the hip-hop movement. If there wasn't a "Walk This Way," it's possible that hip-hop and rap music wouldn't have caught on in the wild-fire way they did. Heck, rap-rock and nu-metal helped create legends out of Linkin Park and, for better or worse, Fred Durst. But, for every "In The End," we got "rappers" who wanted to branch out and flip the script on the rap-rock stereotype. For instance, Kid Cudi's Speedin' Bullet 2 Heaven.

However, there's one album from the past ten-plus years in this genre that stands out as being one of the most-polarizing. Enter Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr. and his 2010 release Rebirth.

But, for as laughable as the effort could be seen as (I mean, Wayne's "guitar playing" was usually restricted to a couple strums and/or a few chords being plucked), was it really that bad? That's where I come in. I'm Speed on the Beat (obviously) and this is Was It Really That Bad Review, where I review the crap so you don't have to.

TFW you know you're about to piss someone off, but don't care, because it's better that way.

In 2009, a year after Lil' Wayne dropped Tha Carter III, people waited with anticipation to see what their "Lollipop"-singing savior would drop next. People thought he could still do no wrong, even if it was obviously a hoax perpetuated by Lil' Wayne's overall discography. But, for every "Pussy Monster," there was an "A Milli," so everyone was still on board for the most part. If Wayne skateboarded, many people hopped on that rail. If Wayne still struggled with drug abuse, you got other artists popping his pills. Bad puns aside, because we're not even halfway through this review, everything was coming up Weezy Fuckin' Baby (Please Say The Baby).

And, then "Prom Queen" dropped.

Now, let's get one thing clear: I like Lil' Wayne. Do I think he's the greatest rapper alive? No. But, he's, for the most part, entertaining and can string together a pretty legitimate song when he actually is shown to give a shit about his music and isn't just doing so-called "art" for art's sake.

"Prom Queen" was neither entertaining nor legitimate. With guitar riffs straight out of Linkin Park for Dummies and Green Day for Jackasses, Wayne stumbled for close to four minutes on a song that's highlights included "they loved her fancy underwear/every boyfriend, every year." The video's no much better, borrowing heavily from outlets such as "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and teenage horndogginess.

Seriously, Wayne. We get it: you frothed at the mouth over her thongs and wanted to smash. She didn't let you and such. But now? You're grown and you're famous, so fuck her. That's kind of one of three bases of your songs about the opposite sex. That, the "I'm Lil' Wayne. I can, while I'm not Drake, still make your feminine nether regions whistle like the Andy Griffith theme song while I pick it better than a gynecologist" trope (seriously, WTF?), and the "I'm Lil' Wayne and here's a verse or two about my mom out of nowhere" trope. There, I've sumarized Weezy's "songs about/for women" in a couple sentences.

I could've written a better song about my infatuation with--nope, not going down that road again.

Getting back on topic, it was no surprise that "Prom Queen" fell off the charts--and landed on many worst song of the year lists--pretty quickly. People thought the album would be shelved. Wayne, himself, went back to actually rapping (see: "Forever" for an example of what happened when 2009-2010 Wayne seemingly tried). But, then...we got "On Fire" or "that one song where Weezy F. Baby is wailing about a woman 'creaming' because Lil' Wayne."

Sampling "She's on Fire," Cool and Dre actually deliver a pretty legit beat that could've been used for something so much better. Wayne could've probably actually dropped some amazing lines on here. But, no. We get this dreck and, again, a video that's more of an excuse for Wayne to show ass and titties and make more "fire/devil" punchlines because it's avant-garde to make a buttload of "fire/devil" punchlines in a song called "On Fire." You can't make this shit up. And I haven't even gotten to the rest of the album.

The rest of the album, the passable "Drop The World" included, isn't either putrid in its awfulness nor amazing in its epicness. Instead, it's...kind of just there. We're given bland nu-metal stereotype after nu-metal stereotype to the point that Rebirth becomes something completely different. Wayne, just because you have a guitar on a song, that doesn't make it rock. If it did, I'm pretty sure that we'd consider song Christian R&B tracks to be heavy metal. If a "guitar," live-sounding drums, and barely coherent lyrics were the only things that made up rock, I'm pretty sure that Creed would still be the top group out. If singing songs about staring at some chick's panties in a "reflective" tone was all rock was, I'm sure groups like Alien Ant Farm would still be around. I could go on, but I think you've got the point.

This is where Rebirth's fatal flaws lie. The fact this album even went gold is more of a testament to Wayne's fans being die-hard loyalists (mostly) than the actual quality of the album. Not only is it boring, it's borderline offensive to anyone who even remotely subscribes to the idea of rock, rap-rock or otherwise. There's no way you can listen to this album and not say "hey, Wayne must've been zonked out his fucking mind to think that this was even remotely passable."

...at least he managed to stick to the songs' topics more than he did on Carter IV. Sorta.

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The 2015-16 Warriors COULD Beat the 72-10 Chicago Bulls, But...

December 27, 2015, 11:52 am

≫ Next: The Burner and Michael's Revenge: The Ravens' 2015 Season

≪ Previous: WIRTB Review: Lil' Wayne's Rebirth

Let's start off by saying that Stephen Curry, while an amazing player, is still no Michael Jordan. For starters, Jordan, even with his early career injury, had it all but figured out from the jump. Curry took a little while to finally find his groove. Some would say it was after Monta Ellis was traded and Klay Thompson came into the picture. Others would say that it happened over the last year or so, as Golden State evolve to a team that could go over a quarter of the season with only one fluke loss. However, there's one thing that Steph Curry has with his team's arsenal that even Jordan didn't.

Steph Curry's 2015-2016 Golden State Warriors team has more Scottie Pippens.

In other words, while Jordan is still the better player, the Warriors' supporting cast could very well lead teams on their own. I mean, for instance, Andre Iguodala led 76ers teams pretty much on his own. While this 76ers teams underwhelmed, that's mostly because unlike the two teams in question, their supporting cast of players weren't all that impressive.

And let's not get into that bull about "oh, the 80s and 90s were more defensively inclined." Checking the crap out of a team's star player isn't exactly defense. It's more along the lines of laziness in some ways. That's, of course, not to say that defense in the 72-10 era was lazier in total. It's more that these days, players have to focus on every player, not just a Jordan or a Pippen. Steph Curry and the Warriors have weapons out the ying-yang, which could slow down the Bulls' offensive and defensive strides.

However, even whith those knocks, I don't flat out see Golden State just walking over the Bulls like, say, they probably would against this year's 76ers (sorry, guys).

Why?

Well, even though Golden State has more "Pippens" than Chicago, Chicago has experience and versatility that many teams today can't even match. They've big guys who can shoot (Toni Kukoc comes to mind), guards who can play bigger than their height (just like Golden State), and Chicago has the great equalizer of the trash-talking, GOAT-being Michael Jeffrey Jordan. Jordan has the ability to completely throw someone off their game with trash talk and straight up smothering defense at times.

You put that on Steph, who's shown some hesitation with players like Jordan (hi LeBron), and you've got some issues for Golden State. If you take Curry off his game, as we've seen in real life, the Warriors could and do have trouble. And I'm not completely convinced that the Warriors, even with their multiple "Pippens," would pull it out all of the time, like some pundits would like to believe.

Some of the time? Maybe. Curry's a beast. But, I haven't seen enough from Golden State en masse to say that their supporting cast could work against Jordan, Pippen, Rodman, and so on, every time out. So, there's my fantasy booking. Golden State COULD win, but I don't see them winning every time.

Let's see how the Warriors handle the rest of this season and THEN, we can talk about them fully competing all of the time against that legendary Chicago team.

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The Burner and Michael's Revenge: The Ravens' 2015 Season

January 4, 2016, 6:19 am

≫ Next: WIRTB Review: RGIII's Time as Washington's QB

≪ Previous: The 2015-16 Warriors COULD Beat the 72-10 Chicago Bulls, But...

I promise you, though. I won't completely go on a three-thousand-word tangent about the Ravens' season. However, it has a lot in common with the early seasons of one of the greatest series ever released, The Wire.

To quote Drizzle Sez, this past season was the burner year for the Baltimore Ravens. I don't think I've got to explain what a burner is. It became, effectively, a burner after the team started 1-3 and lost Terrell Suggs early on. Fans, in the role of Wire character Bubbles, we tried to find some sort of value in this year's squad--even though we knew it was a throwaway season. Sometimes, we'd get lucky, like finding Kaelin Clay in a heap and turning him into a viable return man or getting Kamar Aiken to have a breakout season. Other times, such as the fact that, by the end of the season, at least twenty players were on Injury Reserve, we tossed crap back into the streets and tried to start anew.

Around the time of Steve Smith, Sr's season-ending ACL injury, the Ravens staff played the role of the Barksdale crew. Ozzie Newsome and company called around everywhere, sliding whatever scraps of vital product they had in an effort to recoup. Sometimes, it succeeded and the Ravens were able to show signs of their predecessors, of their glory days. But, more often than not, Ravens fans played the role of the common (football) junkie. We knew the product was inferior, for about seventy-five reasons, but we still needed a taste.

Still better than being akin to Wallace, I guess.

But, just like the drug game as portrayed in the classic series, the Ravens will bounce back. Can they put their eggs in one basket like they've done in the past? Well, not exactly. This season was a fluke year, but we do have to realize that many of the components of the Ravens squad are getting older. When the 2016 season begins, Terrell Suggs will be 34, Joe Flacco 31, and Triple S (probably not a real nickname, but screw it) will be 37. The team itself was one of the older teams last year. They were wise and experienced, but experience will only get you but so far when everyone around you's dropping like flies.

However, the youngsters on this team, like Michael Lee, will learn from the mistakes and missteps of this year's squad and will prosper. Aiken, Gillmore, and more will flourish with another year under their belts. Plus, they'll know how to play man (men?) down. They won't just be just boys anymore...even though a knee will still be a knee.

Here's to 2016, Ravens. Go forth and be awesome. Avenge this crapshoot of a season.

Photo Credits: Baltimore Ravens, WTOP, CrockettGillmore.com, and HBO
Video Credits: HBO (clip uploaded by "CashmerethinkerTV" on Youtube)

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